Peaks and valleys

December 7:


 The day was totally fine. I was fine. Not happy or sad. But I’d say closer to content and I came home from picking up lunches and I lost it. I was instantly raging. Screaming at my kids, kicking my dog, yelling at a very confused husband. My oldest crying because of it and I couldn’t find a single DROP of sympathy for him. What type of mom does that? A fucked up one that’s what. But I smoke a little on my weed pen and I’m instantly better. Instantly clear headed and no longer angry I can now see my irrational behavior. Why is it that I can’t see my actions except if I smoke a little weed. Pathetic isn’t it? This insane rollercoaster of never knowing when it’s gonna hit but all of a sudden and instant rage of hitting cabinets, tables, walls, all well screaming and heaven help you if you happen to be in my vicinity because no one is safe. I make sure that before I hit things and never people that I am alone. Why am I like this? There has to be some type of diagnosis that some tiny pill would fix because being high all the time is great except I can’t drive if theirs an emergency, I can’t do anything until at the earliest 2.5 hours but preferably 3 and that’s depending on how much I smoke. You know there’s a problem when your spouse is asking if I wanna step out and smoke? No because I shouldn’t need to smoke to be a functioning member of this family. And yet, Smoking makes me exactly who I am just without the rollercoaster. I just need a pill to do that please. But until I find it, I go to therapy once a week and acknowledge my short comings and apologize to those I hurt like my kids. 


Fuck this is hard. 




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