Hell and Highwater

 October 5: 

I gotta do somethin cause I’m dying inside. Gods my last chance to actually find peace 

I know what it feels like to want to die. It’s like your suffocating in a room where everyone else can breath. I want so badly to just go missing. I know exactly how I’d commit suicide.  I’d leave a video on a disk of a don’t come looking goodbye letter and then just walk out. I’d be homeless for awhile and then when enough time and distance had passed I’d end it. That way my kids are just hurt by their mom going missing instead of suicide and I’m just some unsolved Jane doe in some distant city. I know for a fact my kids and family would be better off without me in it. That’s the secret no one really talks about it. The secret of what happens when suicide sounds like the better plan. Like oh you have depression? People ask how you are but when your answer is something other than fine it’s a ‘Oh so sorry but let’s not really talk about the darker stuff.’ 

But the deep dark stuff is that all a long I knew I held this darkness inside me. This poison inside me. Where I knew that I probably abused my kids. That I was too rough or that I yelled too much or I was too harsh. Where deep down I knew that my personality should not have children because I hold this huge black seething pit of violence and anger that sometimes is closer to the surface than others  And sometimes it spills onto those around me. I grew up hearing how violent and angry I was as a child. I can vaguely remember physically assaulting my mother until I was about 8 most of which I don’t really have memory’s of. An uncontrollable rage to the point she had to physically restrain me. How when I was really little I tried to spin a cat around holding nothing but it’s tail. I hold 3 out of the 4 main traits for serial killers. Yeah, children probably shouldn’t be given to people as mentally unstable as I seem to be. Here’s the thing: my entire family has told me from the time my oldest who is now 10 was born that I am too harsh on my children or said things like ‘how they wondered why god gave such a wonderful sweet funny little boy to a person like me.. ‘If that wasn’t screaming I shouldn’t have custody of my children I don’t know what does. They knew I had this darkness inside me even subconsciously. So back to the main point; my family would be better off without me. I’ve known it for years but it wasn’t till a few days ago did I solidify my suicide plan. I’ve never been able to figure out the least impact to my children while still accomplishing suicide. I was able to continue to ignore and avoid my darker thoughts by pretending it was all in my head; that I was just unbelievably hard on myself. That is until 2 nights ago;where after stupid, unbelievably, fantasy-worthy sex; the love of my life told me that he thought we needed to be better parents. which led to the confession that he thinks I abuse our children;our middle one to be exact. I have not felt this level of broken in a very very long time.  Not because he told me how he felt but because It means the monsters are real. It means what I’ve thought most of my life  is true; that I am the monster. 

So suicide sounds real good right now. And although I feel this way i am not currently ready to walk out the door. I just know now if I ever get to that place, I have a plan.

So I gotta figure something out cause I’ve tried everything else. I need a miracle because I’ve got to change and I’m not sure if that’s even possible.

So through hell and high water I go to find a god that most don’t believe in but he’s gotta be real cause I don’t have anything else to save me this time. 

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6 hours later: 

And here’s the reason I don’t tell people this. They can’t handle the dark stuff. normal people don’t think this way so when you even give them a PEAK inside at the really dark stuff, they freak. Their eyes widen and get the horse about to bolt look and then they have no idea what to say in that moment so then it’s awkward cause you now know this dark thing lives inside me and now your uncomfortable, so my anxiety is vibrating like an overly excited puppy. it’s just not fun for anyone so I don’t say anything. I’ll give you a tip; We don’t know what we want you to say either in that scenario. 

Here’s the other thing people do when they get a taste, They take your kids. They hear possible abuse and they take them and it’s damn near impossible to get them back. They don’t give people like me second chances. 

I’m so terrified to say this out loud to anyone in fear of them taking my kids and locking me up.  That’s one of the reasons I refuse therapy. What if they find something like really wrong with me like really bad and they take my kids? Also I don’t trust myself not to manipulate them like the last one I had. But here’s the other part what if my husband can’t handle it? He didn’t sign up for this, I’d even understand if he walked. What if my best friend walks? Yeah I know. What if’s will kill ya. But having my kids taken knowing that everyone I loved walked away from me is #1 on my list of fears. Breath taking, body shaking, blood turning to ice type of fear.